A while back, I wrote a post, in it I talked a little about who I am, where I was born etc. I’ve never really elaborated on my circumstances or daily challenges, me I’d rather focus on the good, the magic, the essence of my creative realm. I always felt that if I did elaborate on my life, I may, or my family may and probably would be judged by some. I wanted folk to see who I really am, the creative being.
We all, as humans, I believe, come to this realm, to learn and expand our conciousness as a collective. Whether we like it or not, these life lessons are to teach and empower us as a collective. Problem with this system though, is that, I truly believe we are all enslaved, no need for shackles any more, a mind enslaved, is as much in shackles as the ” prisoner ” in the dock. ” Divide and conquer, ” well they’ve certainly succeeded on that front to a large degree haven’t they?
They rule by fear and judgement, also propaganda from the TV and mass media. I’ll go into that aspect further at some point, but today I’m generalizing.
In recent times in Britian, the ” Welfare reforms ” were brought in, but prior to that, propaganga ” shows” like, ” Benefit Britain ” were aired, also ” talk shows like ” Jeremy Kyle ” ( I call him Jizza vile, because what he’s doing is nothing short of vile… ) amongst many other “shows ” No true picture is being shown, only vilification of the poor and vunerable…. It’s disgusting and wrong, there’s plenty enough to go around this planet, but greedy currupt bastards in power, keep us on our knees, just so they can have it all to themselves.
I’m seeing and experiencing first hand, these ” Welfare reforms “. Does that shock you? How could someone with my gifts, be in this position? Yes ask yourselves that question, because I’ve asked it for over 30 years now, no provision made for the likes of me. I’m treated like something you’d wipe off your feet because of my situation, that is, until they see my art, then I must be mad or something, or lacking in some way.
This is sort of the case, in a way. I have been challenged with severe migraines all my life, to control them, I have to stay in most of the time. Everything I do can trigger them, so I have to be careful, as my creativity, is also a compulsion. My way of dealing with things. Because I’m an ” Aspien woman ” I also have hyper focus and a high pain barrier, I can overide almost any pain, if my mind is in creative mode, as I have to get the vision in my mind out. I have dedicated my full life to honing my skills and aquiring new skills, I’ve also spent the majority of my adult life, trying to break free of the situation I’m in. I went as far as writing to the prime minister a good few years back. Many have come along and fed me words, also many have used my situation to their advantage.
Around four years ago roughly, my body paid the price for overworking it and hardly eating anything etc, I wasn’t aware that I was in constant ” fight or flight mode ” and always had been. Fear had ruled me all my life, anxiety being my constant companion.
All of a sudden, it felt like anyway, my legs didn’t work properly, I reckon that was from doing 25 hour shifts stood on ladders and of course, malnutrition. I had paid dearly for my vocation. I had to take stock, if I wasn’t able to achieve what I wanted to achieve, it would finish me. Amongst other things, I had to stop buying materials and going without to do so. I have worked on myself since to undo the self harm done to my body as a result of my compulsion getting out of control. Fear driven, that’s what it was back then ( what if the welfare benefits were scrapped, being my main one. ) I can only work efficiently in here, as I’ve been challenged amongst other things, with ” Social anxiety ” which in turn triggers bad headaches, blah blah. ) There was nothing apparently for the likes of me, that’s what I was told anyway.
Life’s certainly been challenging, that’s for sure, frustrating too at times, as I would wonder why I’d been blessed with these gifts, yet nothing had come of them, where I would finally be able to earn my own till, in a way that’s compatible with me. Especilly being a mother, you want the best for your children. I didn’t plan to be a single parent, but I was ” emotionally damaged ” too from trauma’s, so made poor choices back then.
I’m one of the lucky ones though, I’ve come to realise, there’s far worse hands dealt to folk, I see it regulary. Especially since the wefare reforms were introduced, I’ve witnessed the results, you wouldn`t treat an animal the way these poor people are being treated and that includes people with disabilities! It’s shocking and downright disgusting! They say ” get a job ” There’ s none to be had for most.
Most people in social housing, have endured some form of abuse, if not constant abuse. Adult’s that were once the kids people profess to care about, victims of paedophillia, physical and emotional abuse, children who’s parents were abused, I could go on, one guy I spoke to for example, who worked for an organisation that were supposed to be helping people ( That’s another story ). He was shocked, he reckoned 99% of people on social housing estates have been or are, victims of some form of abuse.
The schools are also set up for the kids to fail, now you can’t even bring your own children up, they seek to clone them and have them grow up without love and family closeness and people wonder why this society’s fucked up? This system bred all this, now they seek to divide and cull, because what else is it? People going without food for 4 days to pay ” bedroom tax ” on their HOMES, yeh their HOMES and that includes this place, MY HOME. Only for my son’s kindness, I would be in the same position.
I qualify for the lowest rates of DLA, when my ” conditions “combined, as I’m told, warrant a higher rate. It was hard enough in the first place to be awarded it, but after an appeal held in my house ( which totally traumatized me btw. ) I was Finally awarded it. The reason it’s not higher? Because I overide the pain to create and have done this place. Also I refuse to take prescribed pills on the whole, as I’m aware of how long term damage is caused. I believe in a holistic approach. I also have a doctor who largely dismisses me, I mean how can I function if I am the way I say I am? ( I don’t even want to go, but am forced to, so there’s ” proof ” for the benefits. ) In other words, I must be exagerating or something, no point in changing docs though, as his ” opinion ” will be carried over with the medical records he chose to record… I won’t even look at the copy I have, because it’ll incense me. I’d had my compulsion finally recognised at the last appeal at my home, I was given it for 5 years when I re applied. The welfare rights urged me appeal for a higher rate, even though I didn’t want to. The result? Four years were taken from me, despite her reassurance that nothing would be affected by my appealing. Dealing with the DSS is so traumatic for me, more so than anything I’ve lived, I have to relive all my challenges, they ask questions I can’t answer, timescales etc, it blows my mind and sets me back to square one. Now thanks to this system, I have to do it all again next year. Seeing no way out of my situation after making every effort is quite overwhelming…
So, see where I was at and in many ways still am? Why is this when I have so much to offer? It’s not like my work hasn’t been seen. Is it because I’m from a council estate, born and bred and might reveal how it really is? Well fuck you’s that’s EXACTLY what I plan to do…
I’ve achieved this place with hardly anything, but I paid the price too. I just ” slipped through the net ” yet again, back to square one eh, yeh right. 🙂
Me being me, has this to quote springing to mind at this point, ” There’s fight in the old dog yet ” Now is the time to speak MY TRUTH. How many others like me eh? I know many personally and feel powerless at present to be able to help them, I have to be in a position to do so first, but I’ll not stop trying and I do have a plan, but in the meantime I need to finish my picture here, even if I have to pay to do so. ( Hard one to swallow that one but hey ho, I’m better off than many others. 🙂
Right on that note, I’m off to start my day, not sure what I’m doing yet, I’ll just go with the flow and trust the universe, I felt to write this today. ( Ie; my inner guidence system urged me to do so. ) I am NOT ashamed of who I am or where I was born and if people want to judge me based on this shallow system’s version of success, then so be it, that’s their reality and their business. I’ll just crack on being true to myself and hopefully in the end it’ll all come together and I’ll be able to do what I really desire to do and that’s to bring about awareness and possibly change in my own little way.
No person is better than another, we all come from source energy. How we choose to be though is down to ourselves. I choose the light and love and all it encompasses.
LIVING THE MAGIC..!
Jen. XXX 😯😉😀