Thoughts and some pics too… :)

Previous posts left me with a lot of mind chatter.. random memories popping up etc… I had to step back again.. to balance memories and associated feelings and emotions with creativity and positive things… It feels like I’m a different person now and all that stuff seems a lifetime ago…
I’ve questioned.. “Do I really want to tread those paths of distant memories again..? ” A big part of me doesn’t want to.. but it’s all made me who I am today.. so a bit of conflict going on in those quarters… Today I’ll just share some images with you.. my life at present.. a simple life.. but very fulfilling never the less…
No matter how I feel.. my eyes see the beauty that’s all around me.. that in itself makes me truly grateful for where I am today… Many fare far worse than I could ever even conceive.. I’m very aware of that and know that I was only touched with life lessons in comparison and was lucky enough to be given my gifts to counterbalance the many dark times in my life…
The biggest thing I did learn in order to appreciate what I do have.. is to just look out at that world.. the atrocities.. the horrendous suffering inflicted by humans onto other humans and anything else they can destroy… My little world is like a tiny sliver of heaven in comparison.. how could I not be grateful..?
Anyway.. here’s the pics.. have a magical day… 🙂
Jen. xxx
Nany and Lewis
The final pic is of my latest oil painting.. ” Ekata ” that I have on going at present amongst other stuff… 🙂 The word.. ” Ekata” is a Himalayan ( if I remember correctly ) word.. meaning ” unity ” …
I’m a bit further on than in the above pic and will post a progression pic on my next post… 🙂
Right on that note.. I’m off to do a bit more on my painting… 🙂
Jen. xxx

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Pondering.. to diversify a little from the previous post…

Central top of fireplace
Labels.. everyone seems to have them these days.. meaning to me..? To be pigeonholed to fit in with the system’s criteria… Labels have their place.. I totally agree… Such labels being brought to my attention and my own experiences have led me over the years to read extensively just about everything on the spectrum to do with the mind… How else could I get to know the people of this world and also what was going on within myself… I am NOT a label though.. I am a person.. an individual.. unique and doing just fine… 🙂
Perception… a persons view on things.. of life.. how they perceive another person to be…
I never had the ” help or support ” from anyone really to deal with my experiences and emotions attached and I’ve been in some dark places.. believe me.. I was so wrongly programmed.. I don’t use the term damaged.. the word itself has negative vibes.. like the person is less than.. damaged goods.. it’s not on in my world.. any term that does a person down isn’t… How the hell can that heal someone or make them feel good about themselves..?
I was wrongly programed and not equipped properly to deal with life.. I set about reprogramming myself.. because there was no one else to do it but myself and I had the responsibility of two children too… To break the chains you really do need to look within and I did this extensively for years… I also balmed the wounds with my creativity…
I had the word CPTSD thrown at me a year or so ago by the last person who decided that with my past experiences.. that I must have it… Again I went researching and reading up about the condition… I would never dismiss others opinions nor minimise the effects of this or any other condition in any way… I do have elements of it.. I call them legacies.. I don’t go out much.. my group of friends is small and I do get very anxious in new situations or if I feel people are judging or assuming things about me… Just because I haven’t gone down the conventional path of the system though.. ( made up by people just like myself by the way ) DOES NOT mean my way hasn’t worked for me and maybe will for others too… Anyone who knows me on a personal level would back me on this fully including my two children ( now grown up )
I resent anyone insinuating otherwise just because of my past… On the whole I’m happy.. I had something others may not have had to balance the harsh times.. I absolutely fly in my creative realm.. I’m happy and content with my family and have a strong bond with them.. I’ve never had so much as an antidepressant.. The only way to heal something that’s happened in my reality is to deal with it.. not mask it with pills.. that’s my opinion and my belief and I’m entitled to this just the same as the next person is entitled to their opinions and beliefs…
I had my creative mind and an inquiring one at that… The information gleaned over the years allowed me to heal myself and make me who I am today and I’m ok.. Done all the soul searching.. been there done that as they say…
When abuse in any form has happened there needs to be an holistic approach I believe…The system seems to give only one side of it from what I see… I’m not dismissing this side.. it’s very important to have the information to reprogram the brain.. to give another perspective other than your own.. but I believe the real answers along with this info.. lie within each and every one of us… the info helps the left hand side of the brain.. the logical side to make sense of it all.. but this doesn’t deal with all that pent up emotion that’s there as a result.. in a positive way…
Emotion comes from the right side of the brain.. the creative side.. so again my belief is.. this needs to released in a positive way.. any endeavour on the creative front uses the right side of the brain… Emotions.. feelings.. all derive from the right side so no logic can release this aspect.. as the info goes to the left hand side of the brain.. what’s needed I feel.. is to connect both IE: counselling along with creative therapy… I’ll read something for instance and it may be a trigger.. now I’ll recognise it as such and consciously channel the feeling out by doing something creative.. I’ll also play music and sing etc.. all release the emotions felt at the time and leave me feeling blissed out and free.. ” just being ” It’s great… 😀 Guaranteed success… 😀
I do have to control it though.. I used to do gruelling sessions.. not realising even.. how many hours had passed by.. that took it’s toll on me physically in the end… Now I’m in the process of sorting that out… 🙂
This is why now I can step back a bit from the art and focus on healing my body and enjoying my family etc… This is how I’ve got to the point I can write about these things as it may help someone else to help themselves reach a stage in their own life where they find inner peace… 🙂
I don’t pretend to know everything.. I know very little in the big scheme of things.. but what I do know.. is myself and what works for me and you know what? I like me and it took a long time and a lot of work on myself to be able to say this.. but yeh I’m doing just fine… 😀
On that note my painting awaits..! 😀
Have a magical day/eve
Jen. xxx
Lady of the dance.

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Where it all began…

Baby in Celebration painting.
I don’t plan to go into detail about my childhood.. suffice to say there were some harsh experiences… I more want to talk about things I saw all around me and the emotions evoked by witnessing and being at the receiving end of various life lessons…
I was born on 2nd December 1966 into an inner city council estate… 28 Nuneaton Drive.. Miles Platting.. Manchester.. UK.. was my birthplace.. I was born at home.. the second of 4 children… My dad was a builder and mum was a care assistant.. working with the elderly…
There’s lots of blanks in my childhood.. but one of my earliest memories.. was drawing on the bedroom wall at the side of my cot.. mum would let me too… 🙂
Another memory.. the nursery teachers.. pulling me off my mums legs.. I was traumatized and could never cope with school…
This isn’t easy.. to take my mind back into my childhood evokes too many negative emotions.. I hated my childhood in general.. hated that house and especially hated that area… The energies were dark and heavy.. unbearably so… It wasn’t so much the people.. they were all just victims of circumstance and most made the best of the hard hand of cards they’d been dealt.. it was just the general air that prevailed around there… It was a horrible area.. ten minutes walk from town centre.. surrounded by mills and not many trees… There was a canal about five minutes walk from the house that ran along side some of the mills… I could see what is now called Victoria mill from the front bedroom window.. I knew it as Hollands mill.. it looked massive and creepy to me.. the kids would say Anna Bella was up in the tower and would get you if you dared venture up there…
There were loads of paedo’s.. I couldn’t look out of my back bedroom window without being subject to a guy masturbating at his living room window at all the kids on the block it turned out… He’d beckon us over.. no way was I going.. he terrified and repulsed me…We’d put a front of bravado up.. but…
You’d play out and it was almost guaranteed you’d get flashed at or approached.. or you’d witness violence etc or be at the receiving end of it… Don’t get me wrong.. there was a community spirit too.. a lot of good honest people struggled to survive on these estates and I did have some fun times too.. usually getting up to mischief with my younger sister… 🙂
I’m aware I was hard work for mum… As a baby I had to be fed every hour and have medicine, due to digestion issues.. I just rocked and cried all the time apparently as a toddler.. I also stopped communicating or responding to anyone… I was sent for various tests, hearing etc. I was then sent to.. I think it was a child psychologist who decided I was actually advanced for my age and bored so I needed to be in school..???
How they came up with that one I don’t know.. what I do vaguely remember was I didn’t like any of them so did the opposite of everything they asked on the tests.. but not responding in any way to them only to defy everything they asked me to do…
I was put into the nursery at St Patricks.. a roman catholic convent school.. I was the youngest child to go into nursery back then…
The nuns were anything but gentle and loving in general.. some of them were really nasty… I found school hostile and scary and I’d sneak off to the paint boards on the corridor and lose myself in a painting.. they always found me there and would punish me for getting off… There was one nun though.. ” Sister Conceilia ” she loved me and radiated pure love and beauty.. I used to wonder why she was a nun.. she was too nice to be one of them… She sort of got me and would look out for me… 🙂
Right I’m going to leave it at this point.. my body’s shaking and I’m welling up.. I’ll be ok though.. it’s just a remembered emotion and will pass as soon as I take my focus from this post… 🙂
Now too channel out this feeling in a positive way.. I’m off to do some plasterwork or continue on my ” Ekata ” painting… I’ll continue when I feel able again… I realise the above may appear a bit random and maybe a bit fragmented.. but I just have to let out what comes through… You will get the general idea I hope in the end.. as to what moulded me back then and right up to present day… 🙂
Section of " Celebration " painting
Have a magical day/eve… 🙂

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Where to begin.. let’s see now… :)

Since writing the last post.. my mind’s been whirring.. there’s so much in there I don’t really know where to start.. so I thought I’d start with sharing this link…
It’s a poem I wrote back in 2008 titled ” The journey part one ” It skims over my life journey and was a way of releasing stuff without actually giving details or laying blame… 🙂
I feel inside that we are all the product of our own reality .. life path and lessons… Yes I fully agree those lessons can seem harsh and overwhelming at times.. maybe even constant for some.. but somehow we muddle through and are still here to tell the tale… Why are these life lessons presented to us..? What purpose do they serve..? I will give my own theory on this at some point… 🙂
There are two other poems posted around the same time.. that I’d like to reference at some point too.. that relate to the above…
I came to realise.. that my art is and always has been a visual representation of my life journey and experiences… The art and music are the core of my being.. my main tool of survival for as long as I remember… This is the gift I’m happy to share with you… 🙂
Jen1 828
I remember moving into this house on October 23rd 25 yeas ago.. this is a partial image of one of the first paintings I did on the back living room wall… I didn’t like the feeling the image evoked.. it really scared me.. freaked me out to be honest.. mind you everything scared me back then.. but this image really haunted me and didn’t remain there for long… Utter Desolation.. like I felt inside.. my full life painted in 4 hours in emulsion onto wallpaper.. it filled the full back wall of the living room… It’s not a good photo’s never are really.. anyway it was the only photo left and it seemed a fitting image to use with the poem…
I knew this was the right house and location for me to create my Art house… A challenge in itself.. the house was a shithole.. a non descript box amongst many others.. that was the challenge for me.. I knew I was settling here.. so I could go with the flow.. whilst raising my daughter… ( My son was yet to be born… )
Here I am 25 years down the line.. time’s flown so quickly.. yet it feels like a lifetime ago… I have two grandsons now.. they love coming here.. they see the magic.. a different world to any other… Lewis notices every new creative endeavour and comments on it… We saw a rainbow today… 🙂 Right above our secret garden… 😉 Lewis informed me.. that when dad arrived.. they were going to drive right over that rainbow… 😀 The innocence and magic of a child.. precious indeed… 😀
In my next post.. I’ll give insights into where I was born and raised and some of the things my eyes witnessed.. the things that shaped who I was to become… 🙂
Oh yes I nearly forgot.. the other two links I mentioned earlier.. the first link is a poem titled ” Essence of spirit.. (1) life lessons.. The poem I feel is self explanatory…
Going with the flow...
The second link I’d like to share is a poem titled ” Essence of spirit ” (2) Acceptence.. allowing…
Have a magical day/eve… 🙂
Living room
Jen. xxx

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Update on creative endeavours… My thoughts and how it really is…

I’ve had my site on private recently and done very few posts in comparison to former years… This was due to a lot of research and reading up on an array of stuff so I’m more informed and have the knowledge required to take the next step…
I wasn’t planning on coming back for a while.. as I feel the need to focus on my self and my family and for the art to take a back seat to this for a while…
Try as I might to kick start the changes I wanted to bring about.. I feel I was led a merry dance yet again for nothing.. after all.. who am I..? 😉
I’ve never let the cat out of the bag here.. given the full picture of who I am… People see this ” floaty little artist ” living in her fairy glade.. well I’m about to remove that illusion in the near future.. although that is a very important part of my being and has been my very survival on this life journey…
I will one day give the full story.. maybe.. but I feel compelled to start giving my take on life from things like spirituality.. positive thinking.. dealing with past shite in my way and my true circumstances and how people ” view and judge ” people in similar circumstances etc… How is life really for these lost souls..?
No one will help me bring about the changes needed in this system from where I’m standing.. so I’ll do it myself somehow starting with showing the true me and giving insights into how this fucked up system needs urgent change.. especially the vilification of the poor.. the needy.. the abuse victims left with no support etc.. How the so called ” help ” advertised constantly never actually comes through for most… I’ll probably upset a few with my views,. but they’re my take and no one need stay if they don’t like what they see…
I’m sick of keeping my mouth shut.. seeing the suffering all around me and will now be the voice of the unheard and unseen…
I’m still researching and learning.. also working on myself.. so it won’t be for a little while yet… I would also like to link up with others here on wordpress and still need to approach them to ask if I can add their links here etc…
The art and creative endeavours will still feature.. I will also be offering art therapy at the Arthouse Wijn-Ton Art therapy centre and opening the house up in the future two afternoons a week for viewing… Any work sold or commissioned will go towards materials costs etc to set it all up and help it grow… Any donations given at the views of the art therapy etc will also be piled back into the elaboration and growth of this centre… I will take a minimum wage as growth allows in the future all being well…
Any tips on how to fundraise.. plug the idea.. to raise awareness of the site and its purpose.. or any help on any front will be greatly appreciated… I’m going in blind here s to speak… 🙂
I want to help people.. help themselves.. in my way… Will it work..? I don’t know.. but I’m willing to give it a shot.. after all I’ve nothing to lose and if it helps just one person empower themselves.. then good job done… 🙂
Have a magical day/eve…
Jen. xxx

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I’d like to introduce.. ” Sparkley Beanz ” and update on creative endeavours.. 07/08/2014

My apologies for the recent lack of updates.. I’ve been so busy in here… 🙂 Firstly I’d like to introduce ” Sparkley Beanz ” ” Beanz ” for short… I’ve actually had Beanz for around two weeks now.. he’s Spudz’s half brother and six weeks younger than him… I got Beanz because Spudz needed a playmate.. no way was Bingo.. my seventeen year old female cat.. having any of it from him.. despite his many efforts to play with her…
Beanz is a feisty little fella.. he needed to be feisty with Spudz… It took a little while for them to recognise each other.. but now they’re inseparable and Bingo has some peace at last… 🙂
I’ve secured the back garden now so they can both play out and they love it bless them both… 🙂 ( Poor plants though.. they’ve ragged them all… :/ ) It’s so lovely watching them running about and playing together.. even Bingo’s taken to having a bit of a play too.. not with them albeit.. she seems happier with them about though… 🙂
On the creative front.. I’ve been doing a fair bit… I’m still doing the landing when able and I’ve also started decorating the back bedroom… I’ll post pics of the hall stairs and landing when the decorating’s complete…
I have a couple of canvasses built.. I have the background painted in on one of them and I’m in the process of drawing out a picture on the second one… I have a third canvas ready to be put together for a third painting… 🙂
I will post pics of the progression soon.. oils tend to reflect the light back.. so you never really get a shot to justify the painting when they’re drying out… The first painting is for someone.. so I’ll not post a pic of that one until they actually have the painting and I’m sure they’re happy for me to post it on here… I’m not quite happy with the figure in the second one.. but will post a pic when I am… 🙂
I really will have to sort something more suitable for pics out.. but it’s way down my list yet.. so the old mobile will have to suffice for now… 🙂
Right best crack on.. lots to do.. but first a trip to the local café methinks for a full English brekkie yum yum… 😛
Have a magical day/eve… 🙂
Jen. xxx

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Original song ” My dear ” ( c) Arthouse Wijn-Ton 2014…

I’ve not done much on the creative front since getting Spudz.. I’ve never laughed so much though at his antics… I don’t know about ” Ragdoll ” RagJen more like… 😀
I did manage to write and capture a song the other day between family stuff.. domestics and being Spudz’s object of amusement.. so I thought I’d share it with you… It’s not the best I’ve sang or played it.. but it’s the best I’ve captured so far… I was going to do another video.. but thought I’d share this one instead.. as it captures the rawness of a new song and the buzz I feel inside when one comes through… 😀 There’s a few tiny glitches in the guitar playing.. you’ll have to exuse that.. I’d hurt my finger in the garden and I’d been playing the guitar for a while by the time I had it flowing…
I plan to attempt to get cracking on the hall.. stairs and landing again.. mmmm I had visions then of Spudz leaping at the rollers and brushes.. should be fun eh.:/ Hey you never know designer cat paw prints might look cool eh… 😀
Right lots to do.. so I best get moving… 🙂
Have a magical day/eve…

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I’d like to introduce ” Adurton Spuddington Barry ” :D

Let me introduce you to the newest member of our mad household ” Adurton Spuddington Barry ” pet name.. ” Spudz ” He joined us last Saturday… 🙂 I was so exited going to pick him up and took Lewis with me so he could help Nany Jen and keep him company in the back seat of the car… 🙂
Aww bet you’re thinking.. ” he’s so cute.. gentle and adorable looking.. he is… when he wants to be :/ I had a feeling in the car when he was protesting very strongly at being in the cat basket.. that he had a similar persona to another cat I had who I adored… Even though he was naughty he was so lovable too.. he was called ” Beano “… I called him this because he was like a jumping bean and used to ambush people etc.. a wild one indeed.. very independent and knew his own mind… He did nothing he didn’t want to do.. a law unto himself… :/ Tragically he got killed on the side road near my house.. it left me distraught at the time and I’ve never forgotten him…
Well ” Spudz ” lived up to the ragdoll traits when he was settling in.. but his confidence had grown considerably and now he thinks he’s the big man.. I have to chuckle.. he’s so funny.. he’s hyper.. just like Beano was.. he’s taken to ambushing all and sundry.. standing at the end of the bed growling and poor Bingo has hid away from him in Stephen’s room.. as he keeps launching himself at her and running wild around the house… I need eyes in the back of my head with him.. always up to mischief he is.. he hates being groomed and fights me.. little sod.. good job I love him hehehe… 😀 I had a feeling when I started looking for a ragdoll kitten and found him.. that he wouldn’t be your A typical cat and I was spot on… He’s great and I’m glad I got him.. I like characters and he’s certainly that..! He’s good at bedtime though and becomes the lovable little ragdoll kitten as seen above.. he totally melts me… 🙂 He’s asleep at the moment.. that’ll be short lived though.. he was trying to swing off my hair when I started this post… I’ve re-nicknamed him ” Phsycospud ” 😉
Right best crack on with my day and try to get something done in between amusing ” Spudz ” with a variety of games.. he get’s bored easily and always wants to try something new… 🙂
Have a magical day/eve
Jen. xxx 🙂

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Update on creative endeavours… 27/05/2014

Below are pics that I took after scrubbing the floors up in the back garden… I’ve since reshaped an area of hedges near the pond.. the pics below are pre pruning so look a bit messy… The garden was in spring bloom and looking and feeling magical.. so I thought I’d take them anyway and capture the morning sun… 🙂
The only shadow that day was feeling the loss of my little mate… My other feline friend Bingo has been especially gentle with me.. it’s like she knows… Bingo normally chills with my son.. adores him.. but she’s made a place for me too.. which is quite touching… 🙂
Bingo seems quite lost since Sparkles passed.. he was the first cat she got along with and she’s never been on her own before… We decided to get another kitten last month with a similar temperament to Sparkles… ” Spuddington Barry ” or ” Spudz ” for short.. joins us next week and I’m really looking forward to it… I’ve followed his progress and have a few pics to date.. he’s beautiful… 😀 I’ll put pics on here after he arrives and settles in… 🙂
I’m halfway through redecorating the hall.. stairs and landing.. just a quick clean up.. simple but effective… 😉 I still have a fair way to go on the tree.. but it’s painted white now.. so doesn’t look so dark and imposing… The hallway looks lovely and as soon as I finish up the redecorating.. I’ll put pics on here… 🙂
Right on that note.. I’m off to do a bit of plasterwork on the above said tree… I have more mirrors now to put in it… 🙂
Have a magical day/eve… 😀
Jen. xxx


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“Killing me Softly ” my cover version… :)

I’ve never tried anyone else’s songs before.. but found the music and lyrics to this particular song whilst having a clear out… I thought I’d capture I.. as I enjoy singing and playing it… Also it reminds me of a magical moment on my life journey… 🙂
I’ve been busy as per with maintenance jobs in the house and gardens.. I’ve also managed to squeeze a painting in.. I’ll post pictures soon… 🙂
Have a magical day/eve… 🙂
Jen. xxx

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